| all the while, i've been running away from it. running away from all the thing i have to face, and i still am. but, today, my bestfriend, she decided she's done with all the pretence, we'd stop playing this game, pretending we're fine, where clearly deep in our hearts, we know there's a barricade stopping us from coming clean and expressing our deepest emotions, thus disabling communication that have been the root of all problems. i'd now, gladly admit that my demeanor is a big influence to what our friendship have turned out to be. i'm a changed person. its just worse now. im nowhere approachable, or compliant, and i can't seem to express what my inner most feelings say. in fact, for the past few week, i might add, i feel very very alone. a hundred thousand people around me, but i feel like such a loner. i'm not interested in socialising, not interested in public affairs,i was just least interested. i was more attentive to material measures, dominating, and and disliking. i wonder why is there sch drastic change. the way i lead, the way i socialise, the way I AM! i'm tired. just very tired. im tired of being used, being talked about, being caring! i just am ok! its just crazy.i feel so distant from almost everybody and im afraid. so many things happened! but i barely talk to anyone about it! barely! and this triggered a question. WHO IS MY BESTFRIEND! WHAT IS MY BESTFRIEND FOR? WHY IS SHE EVEN CLLED MY BESTFRIEND? i don't feel like saying ANYTHING at all!!!!!! because i very well know she's tired of hearing the same thing OVER AND OVER AGAIN. i know her, i know her like at the back of my hand!!and its crazy because, so muh hapenned yet i can't seem to tell ANYONE about it. yes, things like rush and logesh. VERY MINOR! thats what YOU think. but do you guys know how much its hurting me nd keeping me down! DO YOU KNOW! do you know how much pain i've inficted, and how much pain i received?DO YOU KNOW! do know what it feels like to have a bestfriend whom at this very moment, might be talking ABOUT you to someone she just got comfortable with!!? DO YOU FUCKING KNOW! and then you ask yourself,, DOES SHE EVEN TREAT ME LIKE A BESTFRIEND? DOES SHE!? she DOESNT! because she's afraid i'll get mad, i'll b angry! but you tell me, WOULD I LET ANGER RUIN OUR MANY YEARS OF FRIENDSHIP! WOULD I LET ANGER RUIN ALL TE GOOD TIMES WE SHARED! SO MANY BLADY GOOD TIMES, AND SO MANY FUCKED UP TIMES! but together, WE MADE IT WORK! WHY??????? because i know, i'll never get a bestfriend like her, ever. again. EVER EVER AGAIN. and now, its even crazier to know i'm going to lose my bestfriend and my goodfriend together. i never ever want to control your rights to having fun! but my domineering character have ruined everything! i really need to fix this. i really need to. i truly can't afford to lose two friendships that i trulytruly need at this point of time where im at my lowest. i can never sink so low ever again. just give me time, to straighten out my thinking. spritually and mentally, IM DISTURBED! i have no one else. i really don't. don't tell me you'd walk out and leave me all alone, because i really need support, i really do. ALL TIS WHILE, I THOUGHT I COULD GO THROUGH IT ALL ALONE, im wrong. im not at all the STRONG wafah you see me to be. in fact, im vulnerable. im sorry, shafiqah. i really am. |
